Every major political crisis around the planet has now been resolved or is expected to be resolved within the next 48 hours, and we owe it all to an anonymous internet forum fanatic known only as "Eightball".
"I knew I could do it if I was just persistent enough," declared Eightball after he was formally awarded the title Saviour of the World during a specially convened session of the United Nations this morning. "I'm just glad that I've been able to demonstrate the power of posting essentially the same message over and over again, 24/7, on every significant discussion forum throughout the internet".
Eightball talked about the challenges he faced during the six years he's been hammering all comers on internet discussion forums - "Well, I haven't really had a 'life' for six years," he joked.
"I learned early on that I couldn't work at a job or anything, and still be able to pounce on all responses to my postings the very instant those responses appeared on the forums. I had an office job when I started, with internet access in my cubicle, but my bosses couldn't comprehend how much more important my internet crusade was than their stupid accounting ledgers - so I got fired".
"Going on welfare made things a lot easier. Sure, they don't give you much to live on but they give you enough to maintain a high-speed internet account - and eating more than once a day was too much of a distraction anyway".
Leaving the keyboard to use the bathroom interfered with his ability to compose and post 5,000 words messages on the forums also, he found - "At first, I tried just 'holding it' as long as possible - you know? - but then my kidneys started shutting down. One day I came up with the idea of modifying my captain's chair so I wouldn't even have to get up from it. I removed the leather covering and the stuffing in the seat, cut a hole just like an outhouse and put a plastic bucket under the chair. It was a bit crude, but effective".
It all started paying off, for Eightball and for a grateful world population, last Tuesday evening. It seems that Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas and senior members of the Hamas dominated Palestinian Parliament all logged onto the same internet discussion forum around the same time and encountered Eightball's powerful punditry in a thread titled: "Middle East - what the fuck's their problem?".
"The discussion seemed kind of slanted to me, at first...sort of anti-Israel," revealed Olmert, "so I posted some standard Zionist apologetics to balance things out".
"But then, then The Great Eightball replied to my posting and straightened me out right quick. As I read his reply, I couldn't believe the words came from a mere mortal - the brilliance of his analysis, the poetic beauty of his phrasings, the titanium forcefulness of his convictions - they put every Holy Book to shame! I started weeping and then it came to me - like an atomic explosion in my mind - the veil of my ignorance was lifted by the grace of Eightball's words and I realized we were wrong. We had always been wrong. And I knew I had to act, decisively, immediately".
At the same time, in Gaza City, Mahmoud Abbas was having similar revelatory experiences.
"Like all world leaders, I spend as much time as possible combing internet forums for the solution to my people's problems," said Abbas. "We all value the opinions of students, plumbers, car salesmen, housewives, couch potatoes, nerds and geeks more than our government ministers or academic think-tanks. You can learn a lot from these forums. But when I saw Eightball's words that day I instantly recognised my search was over. Here, at last, was The Answer. I understood at once that my own thoughts and ideas were useless nonsense, that I need only do whatever Eightball advised and everything would be ok. For everyone!"
By the next morning, 25 million copies of Eightball's Middle East analysis had been printed and distributed to every person living in Israel and the Palestinian territories. Both governments declared national holidays so that Eightball's words could be read, heard and discussed. The effect was instantaneous and miraculous. By midday, Israel and the Palestinian Authority exchanged formal apologies on behalf of all their people and millions of people on both sides came together in spontaneous "we've been wrong and we're sorry" demonstrations. Peace broke out in the Middle East, at long last.
"It's not what you say, it's how you say it," revealed Eightball when asked to share the secrets of his world-saving internet postings. "You don't even have to know what you're talking about, really. I mean, anyone can google a subject - then you just scan for something that looks good and cut & paste it into your message. What's important, is making your point in a manner that makes the other guy look like an idiot. It doesn't matter if he knows ten times as much about the subject as you - the key is in knowing how to twist their words, how to assassinate their character without justification, how to reword your own messages so that you can spam the same ideas back at them dozens of times without anyone catching on".
"Driving your opponents off the forum, that's how you really prove that your words and ideas are superior. Harrassing them into suicide is good, too. But when push comes to shove, it's the guy who always gets the last word in, they guy who dominates every conversation, the guy who sacrifices the rest of his life so he can be online and on the forum
every minute of every day and night - that's the guy who ends up saving the world. And that's me!"
