the eyes have it

Exposed Breast Destroys Society

The August issue of "Babytalk" magazine featured a cover photo close-up of a baby nursing at his mother's breast. The picture, which has the profile of the baby as its focus and does not even have a hint of a nipple exposed, has triggered a total collapse of society as we know it.

In the week since the issue went on sale, law enforcement agencies have reported 78000 rapes, 215000 lesser sexual assaults, 63139 murders, 57200 home invasions, 40510 child abductions and 78 million citations for DUI. Several major cities including Seattle, San Francisco, Toronto and Regina have been completely leveled by rioting and looting. Both the American and Canadian military report that over 85% of their enlisted have deserted, many taking heavy weaponry, tanks and jets with them.

The last live reports from the collapsed major television networks showed mobs of crazed lunatics shreiking "burn, burn, burn!" encountering mobs of crazed lunatics shrieking "smash, smash, smash!" :

"Burn, burn, burn!"

"What? No,no - smash, smash, smash!"

"Not smash - burn, burn, burn!"

etc. The world is coming to an end. This will be our last blog entry.

Goodbye.

Total Eclipse of the Brain

What happens to a person, if they listen to Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" 100+ times in a row while on Modafinil?

You don't want to know...

I Mentally Masturbate - Therefore I Verbally Ejaculate

Wow. It's astonishing how many people are out there, who desperately need a good sex life:

PLEASE

HELP

THESE

PEOPLE

GET

LAID

BEFORE

THEY

GO

INSANE

Whew!

Bush-Blair cursing caught by mic

US President George W Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair have been caught on microphone using expletives, while other world leaders discussed Hezbollah's rocket attacks on Israel.

The remarks were picked up by closed-circuit TV at the G8 summit which both leaders are attending.

Bush leaned over toward Blair and said: "Papa-oom-mow-mow, Papa-oom-mow-mow, Baba-baba-baba-whoooooooo! Baba-whoo Dit dit dit Baba-baba-baba-whooooo!"

To which a shocked looking Blair replied: "What the fuck? What are you on?"

Bush smirked and continued in a low voice: "Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more? Does she go, eh, does she go, eh? Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know whatahmean, nudge nudge?"

Blair replied: "You need serious help, you bloody hillbilly git!"

Bush appeared to glance around and verify no one else was listening before retorting: "Look who's talking, you inbred son-of-a-bitch! Your father was Dumbo the Elephant, right?"

Lay's death "a cheap ploy"

Enron founder Kenneth Lay is reported to have died from a heart attack. Lay was convicted in May of six counts of fraud and conspiracy linked to the downfall of the giant company. Lay had been scheduled for sentencing on Oct. 23, and faced up to 45 years in prison. Lay was also convicted on a count of bank fraud and three counts of making false statements to banks in a separate trial involving Lay's personal banking. Lay faced a sentence of up to 120 years related to those convictions.

A spokesperson for the prosecuting attorney's office stated that Lay's death was: "a cheap ploy to escape just punishment for his misdeeds".

"The American people have had enough of this cowardly practise - dying off so you won't have to serve your time. Ken Lay ain't gettin' away with it ! He will be sentenced at the appointed time, regardless of his deceased-ness".

A special refrigerated cell is being prepared at an undisclosed minimum-security prison to accomodate Lay's corpse after sentencing. Ken Lay's lifeless body is expected to be sentenced to a total of 140 years "in 'da cooler".

FBI Busts Terror Cell !

TERROR SUSPECTS DETAINED (above)

Today the FBI announced they had broken up a terrorist cell planning major attacks on American landmarks. Seven suspects, all under the age of ten, were arrested and detained outside the Tiny Terrors Daycare where the plot was alleged to have been hatched.

"The plot involved attacking landmarks across the state with mudpies and spitballs," stated FBI Agent Max Smart, "we found maps of the United States, homemade videotapes of landmarks like Disneyland and Warner Brothers Studios...even crude clay models of some of the targets. These kids are serious terrorists".

Details of the arrests document the terror tots revealing their hatred of the United States, and threatening American leaders. One six-year-old was heard to say: "President Bush is a stinky poo-head!" while a four-year-old suspect openly proclaimed: "I will pee on Mr Cheney!".

Authorities speculate that the suspects were recruited through jihadist cartoons they viewed on the internet. Daycare staff, who alerted the FBI to the plot, were all cleared of any involvement. All suspect's parents professed to knowing nothing about the terror cell.

Latest Al Qaeda Videos Panned

"The riffs are just not 'on', anymore", was rap star Fifty Cent's assessment of the latest Al Qaeda videos, "they're recycling the same old, tired tracks. I don't think these will spin in the 'hood".

All over the world, music video critics have had harsh words for recent releases from the terror-pop group Al Qaeda.

"They were hot, right after 9/11," commented pop diva Nelly Furtado, "there was a lot of passion in their work, back then. Everyone rushed out to download their latest videos. Now, they're yesterday's news. I mean - who is still watching their videos? Little cult groups of angry young losers and whacko religious fanatics, right? That's all".

"Nowheresville," was how legendary pop star Britney spears described the group. "And their videos? Borrrrrrring!"

Even the king of fashion critics, Mr. Black, was down on the latest Al Qaeda release:
"Tacky. Tack-eeee! Come on people! I mean, I understand 'traditional' - there's nothing wrong with that, but there's no excuse for looking like you've been sleeping in a cave. Take that nice Mr. Karzai - always regal, never tacky. And pinch those cheeks a bit before the camera comes on! I mean, really! It's a disgrace."